By My journey of self-discovery started with a type-A, perfectionist, people pleasing, spineless girl.
Yeah, I was out of balance: always being there for others, standing up for others, and doing everything for everyone else.
I always came second.
When I arrived at Carroll, I thought college was a time for education.
Well, yes, I am learning all kinds of things. But what I have discovered is that the biggest gift college can give us is not education but transformation.
I discovered this the hard way starting halfway through my sophomore year.
My story is one of self-hate, of perfectionism, of emptiness, of people-pleasing.
I cannot say I have purged these demons, but I can say I am on my way – thanks to friends, Oula, mentors, my first A-, and my faith.
Monday, Nov. 1, 2021, was my low point.
I sat in my bed bawling.
I hated everything, my classes, every mistake I had ever made, everyone.
Most of all I hated myself.
I was sending messages through Snapchat to one of my best friends, Hannah. She pulled me out of my dark place, by simply asking: “Why are you feeling this way? Why do you hate yourself?”
I did not have an answer.
I could not function properly. I needed to find somewhere else to live due to incompatible roommates. I was no angel in that situation, either.
I needed to find a way to be physically and mentally healthier. I needed to move forward from past hardships, but most of all I needed to find something to give me hope and find a path to happiness.
I started trying to answer Hannah’s question. How did I get here? Why am I so low?
I started doing what I do best – beating myself up.
To begin with, as those thoughts rolled through my head, I could think of no way out. But I was open to any ideas.
Slowly opportunities and revelations appeared.
My pattern was predictable: eat, work, go to classes, cry, sleep, repeat.
I was trapped in an endless cycle.
Then my good friend, Alison, told me that I needed to move out of my dorm room for my own mental health. She said I was welcome to move in with her and her roommates.
I was very hesitant, but eventually I decided that everyone would be happier if I moved.
I was right. Everyone involved was happy with my decision to relocate the weekend before finals.
This was step one: putting myself in a supportive environment.
Once I had settled in, I felt slightly better, but I still was not happy.
Megan Arnold and Landry Otis invited me to Oula on Wednesday, Feb. 9, 2022.
Oula is dance therapy where the music and movements flow, allowing the release of emotions. I have also heard it called sexy Zumba. Essentially, Oula is a dance fitness class.
Originally, I stayed because they played my most recent favorite song, “Shivers” by Ed Sheeran. But I quickly learned that I was gaining a community that supports and cares about me. I was safe and loved.
This was step two: finding somewhere I could love all of myself, including my flaws.
The day I realized that I did love myself and felt comfortable in my skin was Saturday, Oct. 1, 2022. The last song, the cool down, was “Collide” by Rachell Platten. I looked at myself in the mirror and I just finally said I love myself and appreciate what my body and mind does for me every day.
Now Oula is essential to my mental health. It is a personal retreat for me to explore and express myself through singing, dancing, and talking to others. Monday, March 27, I decided that I want to become an instructor and share this love and confidence with others.
Halfway through the fall semester of my sophomore year, I decided to start taking advantage of the free counseling at the wellness center. In order to move forward I needed to process and talk through past events, such as my brother leaving and ghosting the family.
My brother used to be my best friend. Then he just abandoned me.
By the end of spring semester 2022 I had forgiven my brother. I was not angry with him anymore. I just missed him, and still do.
This was step three: finding someone to help me move forward from my past mistakes.
In the summer of 2022, I had a quarter-life crisis. I was not happy with my self-design major, and I was thinking about transferring to another university.
I paid to send my transcript, checked the costs, and even had an advising meeting to sign up for classes at another university. I still was not happy. I did not know what I wanted. I did not even know if I wanted to go back to school.
That is when my mom suggested I email one of my favorite professors, Grant Hokit, a professor of biology.
I sent him a panicked message. Essentially I said that I have been unhappy and was thinking about transferring.
He immediately started helping me figure out a new plan. We created a new self-design major and I registered for different courses for the 2022 fall semester.
I am still on my faith journey and growing.
This is when I realized that I needed to stick up for myself, to own my life, including proudly embracing my dreams. I also learned that the people who care about me will support me.
I learned a new and unfamiliar word: “No!”
I began to get up the courage to say “no” both when I have other obligations and if I simply do not want to.
This was step four: learning to put myself first. I cannot fill anyone’s cup if mine is empty.
During the 2022 fall semester I lost my 4.0 GPA. I was really upset.
My friends weren’t terribly sympathetic: “You still have a 3.98. Why are you upset?”
Rationally, I knew they were right. Emotionally, I was grieving my lost 4.0.
I slowly concluded that grades do not define my intelligence, nor are they more important than friends and my own mental health. A crucial lesson.
The irony in discovering I was not perfect healed me and made me stronger.
This was step five: learning that there is no way to be perfect and that mistakes and learning are a part of a journey, not a checklist.
At this point I loved myself more and was accepting of my faults.
But something was still missing: my faith.
Tuesday, Jan. 17, I ran into Lily Overstreet, Dani Page, and Felice Fernandez in Centennial Park. At the time, my faith was almost non-existent. We ended up discussing this non-existent faith.
That conversation led to others, and I began to develop a relationship with Jesus.
I am still on my faith journey and growing. This time I am doing it for myself instead of for my mom or to please others.
I made the decision to be baptized on Tuesday, March 28.
I was baptized on Easter Sunday.
This was step six: accepting Jesus, knowing every battle is better fought with him by my side.
Along my journey I have had friends come and go. I have tried new things. But most importantly I have changed and grown.
Happiness visits me more often and stays longer. Love is replacing hate.
I have slowly found tranquility.
Above all else, I have finally found myself.
