By Life tried hard to crush Felice Fernandez’ spirit, but just like the song, Tubthumping by Chumbawamba, when she got knocked down, she just got back up again.
When she was growing up, her family had little money. What funds they did have were channeled towards her mom’s cancer treatment. Remission lifted spirits, but recurrence was always a worry.
“I wouldn’t have gotten to where I am today without those trials and hardships,” said Fernandez.
In challenging times, through tears, she drew upon her faith.
“God, you’re putting lemon juice in my paper cuts, ” Fernandez prayed. “And God was like, ‘Just you wait.’”
Fernandez is a senior elementary education major from Stevensville, Montana.
Fernandez’s life started to improve when she truly turned towards and accepted the Lord, had her three idols ripped away from her, and was awarded a scholarship to pay for tuition.
Through middle school and high school Fernandez felt like she had “three idols” that were not bringing her happiness: needing friends’ approval, being perfect at school, and wanting her mom’s approval.
“I just wanted to prove I was worth it, that I was lovable to my mom and my friends… I saw God as an all-knowing tyrant,” said Fernandez.
She continued to feel this lack of a sense of belonging, partly because she had been burned by friendships throughout school.
During her senior year of high school she started to develop good relationships.
Then her mom’s cancer came back.
She was 3 years old when her mom had cancer the first time so she did not remember it, nor did she have a concept that cancer could mean death.
Fernandez found out about the cancer as she began her last year of high school. Her universe came crashing down. She felt she was not good enough and she was teetering in her relationships.
As her mom’s cancer progressed, Felice had to miss school and her grades started to drop, causing her to lose her spot as valedictorian. So much for perfectionism.
At this point Fernandez hated her life. Her future was no longer a priority.
About a week later the counselor called her into the office. What are your plans for college? What scholarships have you applied for?
Fernandez told her that she had not applied for any scholarships.
Knowing Fernandez was at the top of her class, the counselor asked her why?
Fernandez did not have an answer.
Another counselor encouraged her to apply for a scholarship from the Great Ravalli Foundation. All she needed to do was write one essay and get two letters of recommendation.
Enter Dani Page, a Stevensville senior, and friend of Fernandez.
“I am going to Carroll College,” Page told Felice.
That idea was percolating when her government class visited Helena and toured the Capitol to see congress in action. They also toured Carroll College’s campus.
She remembers standing in a “dinky room” in Guadalupe Hall and thinking to herself the deal was sealed.
“I can live here,” said Fernandez. “This is where I belong.”
When she got home she dived into chasing the college dream.
I will make something beautiful from these ashes.
She applied to Carroll College on the day applications were due.
But a private education would cost money, so she set out to apply for the Greater Ravalli Foundation scholarship.
Weeks later, Fernandez received a letter from the foundation.
She opened the letter expecting: “Sorry, but…”
Instead, the letter began with: “Congratulations…”
She could not believe her eyes. She had been awarded a full tuition scholarship to any school she wanted to attend.
Soon afterward she was accepted to Carroll College. The deal was, indeed, sealed.
Before heading to college, she attended a summer camp, Camp Beaver Creek. She made deep friendships there. And her faith was strengthened.
“God was not one sided, he accepted me for where I was at,” said Fernandez. “I had put God in a box. He did not want me to live a life following idols. I wanted to rededicate my life back to the Lord.”
Even though her mom’s condition was worsening, she headed to Carroll, staying as strong as she could.
“I actually started coming out of my shell in college,” said Fernandez. “Freshman year God slowly peeled back my identity.”
Only weeks after Carroll classes began, Fernandez got news that her mom was in the hospital. She remembers God putting it on her heart to sing for her mom. So, she did.
Afterwards she confessed her bitterness, and her mom forgave her.
In her mom’s final days, Fernandez remembers praying to God and singing for her mom.
Oct. 8, 2019, at 3:30 p.m., Fernandez’s mom passed away.
Fernandez remembers that day well. It had rained and there was a beautiful rainbow. She remembers looking at the rainbow and thinking of Noah’s Ark.
“I will make something beautiful from these ashes,” said Fernandez. “It planted hope in me. Something beautiful was going to happen from this and I am going to use it.”
As Fernandez came back to Carroll she grew closer to God, developed deep friendships, and grew as a person.
Fernandez joined Chi Alpha in her first year of college. She soon became a small group leader, her sophomore year.
Sometimes those who have suffered the most make the best healers. Fernandez reached out to others and passed on her mom’s love to them.
“She is so vulnerable and open with her struggles which allows others to be honest and open too,” said Cerena Everest, a senior accounting and finance major from Leavenworth, Washington. “She is always very humble. Felice has a servant heart. A shoulder you can cry on. She is so dependable, and she does not expect anything in return. She never looks for the spotlight.”
Dani Page, who inspired the Carroll dream, has watched Fernandez grow.
“It’s cool how she has opened up so much since I have known her,” said Page. “She smiles more, she is more confident. She went from being insecure to secure in God. She is the most resilient woman I know.”
Fernandez has opened up, which in turn has allowed her to give advice and show love to others.
“She puts her all into loving people. She is vulnerable, she is real, she is humble, and she is genuine,” Page said. “She gives. She will give her money to anyone who needs it. She will give all of it away for people in need.”
As she prepares to walk to the stage and receive her diploma, Fernandez is already looking ahead to her next dream. She hopes to become a missionary.
“I want to be so bold in my faith that I can love others regardless of what happens to me,” she said. “Humility is not so much what you are good at, but sharing what you are struggling with.”
She is a wounded healer who found hope. She is eager to help others on their own road back.
“I still struggle and am learning what God wants me to do and allowing him to work in my weaknesses,” said Fernandez. “I want to continue to grow and receive love, continue to be humbled, and recognize that it is not about me.”
